(November 21, 2016) Fall is my favorite time of year — well, besides Spring — but it brings with it that dreaded annual tour into mental hibernation. You’re not asleep, just in an honest introspective plane where few dare to drift. Though the days grow darker, the year’s unresolved issues surface like a radiant gemstone that rose on a pedestal and came full-stop on a spotlighted turnstile. Blinding are the reflections bouncing off this strangely beautiful rock. The fact that it’s beaming with light is remarkable in itself. You would think that it being the shadow side, the rock would be black as coal. But a diamond is a piece of coal that endured stress well, or so the saying goes.
So my inner life shines in the dark. That’s me, in the spotlight there. And there they are, my issues, refusing to be ignored and hoping to be confronted and resolved once and for all. We all have them. Some will choose to leave the stone on its pedestal well past the dead of winter and glean what attention they can from it. Or they’ll let the reflections blind them to their own blindness. As for us hopeless emo kids and seekers of the deep cosmic we, we will choose to drag the bright gem into our dark, warm dens. There we’ll spend the winter contemplating every edge, bevel and beam of light that reflects back at us. We do this with the hope of polishing out the blemishes so that only the brilliance is left. Confronting it is the difficult task. It’s hard (and humbling) to stare down your truths & not back down into denial again.
As I take stock of my year thus far, I can truly say I’m finally on the up, though still confused and seemingly directionless. Day by day I am led to great lessons from those who have taken this road less traveled and found they enjoyed the hike once they adjusted to the conditions. They built bridges over gaping potholes. They marched right through obstacles because their feet knew them to be illusions. They slowed their pace down to the present moment as they meandered up the road to their true selves. I followed their road signs like a child follows a treasure map.
Parts of the road’s terrain were brutal and downright frightful. There was no half-assed secret to negotiating it. You had to walk the walk. Honesty and authenticity were best gained by being true to yourself and taking full responsibility for your actions. That is the hard part most skip over. “Oh, I’m too weak for this right now,” some of us justify when it starts to get uncomfortable. Unfortunately, inaction won’t make your issues disappear. They will always be waiting in the wings for you.
I have to admit that I unknowingly — and sometimes knowingly — played the victim my entire life. Shoot! All these blog posts are evidence of that. Admittedly, deep down I felt the universe owed me a secure and ecstatic life because I was abandoned as a child — both physically and emotionally. I sacrificed a great deal, I thought. My life teetered on complete upheaval and I never felt like there was solid ground. I was hurt, angry and fearful. I cursed the universe, shaking my fist to the sky like Snoopy cursing the Red Baron.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I’d lament. Sometimes I’d fall into a sobbing, sometimes drunken, heap and ask, “Why? What had I done wrong?” I felt as if the universe abandoned me too. In hindsight, quite sappy of me. It’s probably a common belief that we who had a rough go feel we deserve better in life. It’s a hard one to overcome.
But after binge-listening to medical intuitive Carolyn Myss’ Energy Anatomy and Advanced Energy Anatomy, embarrassingly, I recognized myself in the negative aspect of all four of the main archetypes : the victim, the child, the prostitute AND the saboteur. The victim and the saboteur, in particular, permeated every avenue in my life. All those shitty jobs, crappy men and subsistent life were realities of my own self-defeating subconscious thoughts. My ego mind passed off a lot of illusions as false truth. If we feel like we’re sending mixed messages to the world, it’s probably due to our perceived truths (ego) versus the real truth (subconscious). There, our fears and anxieties lie for the excavating.
It’s a big step to realize the lies we’ve been living. But that’s only the beginning. Sometimes we really aren’t ready to take on our issues. It’s not because we are lazy, but because there’s still more growth and resolve to reach within each particular issue. You can’t pretend to resolve things from this place and then revert back to your current, dysfunctional default. Resolution must come.
I used to beat myself up for not taking swift action on polishing the facade off my shining pile of coal. Patience was not ever one of my virtues. I figure that as long as I recognize the lies and set the intention to take responsibility, every day will bring me closer to that goal through my actions. Our harsh inner-critic undermines us a lot. Once we make a conscious decision to be mindful of our negative self-talk, it floors us how frequently we must cut them off at the pass. The ugliness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it’s not etched in stone. We can redraw the map. RECALCULATING!
Another major obstacle I’ve come up against on that lonely, open road to enlightenment is fear! About a month ago I had my tarot read at a local Spirit Faire. The lady was spot on about my situations — including the part about my fear keeping me down. I told her I was aware of my ominous fear and frustrated by it, but I didn’t know how to confront and abolish it. I told her my fear was paralyzing at times. She asked: “What are you so afraid of?!”
The frustrating part? I had no answer. And I still don’t. Releasing fear is major work. There’s no pretending here either. It’s hard to escape the paralysis of our fears because sometimes we don’t know the root cause of them. And we beat ourselves up for not knowing. Uncovering that mystery is not child’s play. Meditation helps. Writing helps. Doing things that ground you in nature and make you feel like part of the whole helps. Sadly, the Eureka! moment doesn’t happen overnight.
Since it’s a rule of physics that energy follows thought, it means for certain that I must be brave and charge on. If I continue to cower, I’ll spin in a cycle of cowering forever. Perhaps my salvation is to write the wrongs and write right through the process of eliminating, or coming to terms, with my issues. The fact that I’ve avoided writing is most likely due to that unknown paralyzing-fear thing. To overcome these fears I must put pen to paper. (Yes, I’m old skool!) And I’ve got to see the huge, glaring gem called my issues for what it is — a blessing in disguise. It’s going to be a long, dark winter.