Strange Brew. Killin’ What’s Inside Of You
(May 27, 2014 — a day late posting it because…) Well, I done did it again — fell off the wagon, but hard. I was mostly doing well, though my “sober date” changed often enough to resemble a running tab instead. A highly toxic combination of fear and self-loathing , frustration and confusion and depression and loneliness came boiling to a head and I just had to release it all the only way I knew how. Today, the morning after, I’m left with a nastier version of the same cocktail of the aforementioned combo. Taste. The. Pain. indeed. I don’t think the Nietzsche quote “that which does not kill you only makes you stronger” applies here.
In fact, that combo is always the trigger point leading to the need to self-destruct. But alcohol is my Fatal Flaw, always has been. My body just can’t process it. And chemo made it worse. I get an allergic reaction to it now and the hangovers are longer and more brutal. I know this going in yet I make a clear decision to fall off the wagon and suffer the consequences. Why? The question baffles and intrigues me.
Which part of my trigger combo is really the driving force? Are they equal partners? Which of them is so pent-up inside me I can’t seem to shake it? I go round and round with this cycle all the time. I need a new release. But what gives? Is it the fear and loathing? What am I afraid of? Hmmm. Well, I have panic attacks at the thought of the rug being pulled out from under my feet and losing everything. That’s a recurring fear since childhood. I didn’t really have a solid foundation growing up. Thus, I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to feel grounded. I merely survive! And the self-loathing? Why can’t I love myself, thereby changing my whole universe as a result? It seems like such a simple concept. But easier said than done. How does one make that self-love connection?
Or could it be the frustration and confusion? This mini-combo within the entire combo packs a powerful punch! It’s palpable these past few years — truly a shit pie! I don’t know what to do with myself. Am I so paralyzed by fear and self-loathing that I can’t think straight? My mind goes all over the place, brainstorming possible ways for me to use the skills I have and support myself through my approaching golden years. Being a late bloomer sucks in that regard. I’m like a teen entering the job force for the first time but in a 53-year-old woman’s body! In this bad economy the odds are not in my favor.
And what about the depression and loneliness part of that killer cocktail? I feel like when i do feel positively charged and optimistic about life I have no one to share it with. In this case the bottle becomes my friend. In my silly, numbed-out oblivion, I don’t feel alone. Though that’s exactly what I am — alone … and boozing it up to boot! It seems I had more friends when faking my way through life, putting on a confident face when, really, I felt shy instead. Booze made me more outgoing. Or is it a different world now with all the technology? Are there more lonely folks out there hiding behind smiley faces on the internet than we know? Intriguing to ponder.
To help myself with my dilemma, I started doing something people swear by as positively life-changing. EFT. Emotional Freedom Technique, or “tapping.” EFT is a psychological accu-pressure technique that requires no fancy equipment — just you! After digging around on the internet for a couple of hours I was pleasantly surprised to see the Bionic Woman herself promoting tapping. Visit Lindsay Wagner’s site here: Lindsay Wagner International.
I do notice I feel better after a round of tapping and want to make an effort to do it more often in a day. Some sites even recommend sneaking in a round of tapping in public if needed. It beats the current slapping technique I’ve been using all my life.
If any of you out there have success stories with tapping I’d be interested in hearing them. Wish me luck!